The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize