Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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