By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
