I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
