my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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