how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
