I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
