Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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