Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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