last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Text me some of your sweat
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
