The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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