Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
