Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
