Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
