If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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