Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
