My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
