you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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