forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
