you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
