If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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