my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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