How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
