I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
