i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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