this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
