I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
