so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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