I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
