So drunk its hurt
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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