This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
