I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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