If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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