Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
