plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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