every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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