i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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