Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
