The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Even my vagina gasped.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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