i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
