Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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