Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
