hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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