saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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