Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
