you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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