i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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