there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
