He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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