He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
