tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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