My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
