On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
