I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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