At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The air was thick with penises
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
