Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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