oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
my liver is dry heaving
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
