Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
