Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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