What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
