The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
