My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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